Back to Equilibriun

If there’s one thing that I observe for almost four decades of living : life, no matter how high, or low, will always return to its equilibrium.

It always comeback to the neutral state, where it’s not highly joyful or painfully sad. We will always return to the mundanity of ordinary life, where everything is sometimes hard, complicated, but overall, just fine.

But, there’s another one. The equilibrium doesn’t have to stay in the same position all the time. We can always make a new equilibrium according to what kind of season of life we currently deal with. 

For the past few years, I reflected that many things that served me well in the past were no longer fit in the present. Things that I thought would keep serving me the way they did, at a certain point, they stopped.

From the job that I had done for 15 years to the supermarket I regularly went for groceries, the kind of school that I thought best for my daughter, the way I conduct my daily habits, the specific workout I followed religiously for three years on YouTube, or even the Eid traditions that have been going on for many, many years, at a certain point, I quit all of them and discovered new ones that feel and suit me better.

Certain situations that might look and feel new to you at the beginning, slowly but surely, become a new practice that you feel comfortable with. Then, after some times, when it’s time to let this go, we just have to let it go. Apparently, new ones will come.

I am not saying we have to quit things all the time. This quitting, it’s different from the type that you do when things get hard or you get lazy. It’s the type that you quit when you’re done, Although there’s no exact date, nor you know when it will be done. You just keep going then life will show and tell you when and how.

I also learned that we don’t have to feel guilty about that. I think it’s one of the signs that you grow as a person which is the only way to have a fulfilled life. A new equilibrium means you keep finding a new climb, in a good way. You do it for your own good, not for external validation. It’s a way to have a better quality of life, to be a better human being. 

Three months have passed since I moved to this house, it starts feeling more like home than ever. It’s funny that the same place that was once the root of my anxiety and stress daily for more than a year, now it becomes the most comfortable to return to. The sad feeling of leaving the apartment that we had stayed in for three years, all the things that I felt too good to let go of and we felt we couldn’t survive without, it’s no longer there.

One simple example, I once was worried about how my daughter would keep her swimming practice without the pool that was available in apartment. Not long after moving, we found a swim school ten minutes drive from home, semi indoor one, with lukewarm water. It’s not the famous one, not one with big name, but, it totally fits with what we need. I could list many more, but let’s just use this one.

The honeymoon period and the excitement of living in a new place were also slowly replaced by facing the facts that taking care a house is a lot of work. The house might look good in pictures, but the cleaning parts, the little that needs fixing here and there, those are the other less exciting facts of owning a house.

I guess “enjoy while it lasts” is truly a good mantra to live with.

(Another thing that makes life always funny is, a right thing will always find you at the right time. Like when I finished writing this, I encountered  this short which really gave a similar feeling).

Core Memories and Eid Mubarak 1445H!

Core memories have been a famous phrase these days.

When I look back, one of the ingredients of core memories is things done continuously for a certain period during our childhood. Something that we did repeatedly until it is impossible to be forgotten since it engraved in our heart and mind, memorized by our bodies.

Like for me, Ramadan and Eid cleaning are my top core memories. It was intense, done yearly together with my family, and the memories of how the mood of the home changed drastically after the cleaning, were some of the most memorable stuff in the core memories shelf.

Eid cleaning is one that makes you tired but happy.

Since she first started fasting four years ago, tarawih has been the routine my daughter performed for a whole Ramadan, without a fuss.

Personally, fasting for a whole month is easy. But she is doing tarawih for a month; that’s another story. Maybe because, unlike fasting, which is compulsory, tarawih is not. This little girl has been so determined in her fasting and tarawih. She did training while fasting, too. Both PE and swimming in the afternoon without neglecting the tarawih at night. Something that I couldn’t even do when I was at her age. I am beyond grateful for another Ramadan with a 💯 attendance of fasting and Tarawih this year.

I only hope as she grows, the memory of Ramadan (especially at home) will be stored in her core memories shelf. The fasting, the suhoor, the early morning chores (she does lots of chores, too!), the iftar and tarawih, all the joyful things that Ramadan brings; I hope it stays with her for a long time. May she find more meaning, peace, and happiness in all her future Ramadan worship. Amin.

To be healthy to do the whole month fasting and other activities with so much joy,
To be blessed with so much kindness received,
Enjoying lots of merry things that Ramadan brings.
It’s unavoidable to be sad because it’s leaving.

May all of our Ramadan worship be accepted.
May all the Palestinians be granted the highest reward, hopefully, sooner than we have been praying for, blessed with absolute freedom, and get everything a thousand times better than what they’ve lost here in Dunya and hereafter. Amin.

For countless times, May Allah grant us a chance to meet another Ramadan in health with a better level of iman.
Amin, Amin, Amin ya Allah.

Eid Mubarak from me to you!

1 Syawal 1445H

First Time

There’s always the first time for everything.

Like completely missing sahoor because we were overslept and just woke up thirty minutes after subuh.

I never missed sahoor in Ramadan before. Like zero. Woke up very close to subuh yes several times, but completely missing it? Never.

Well, this is also a warning for myself since I have been quite loose on the night sleeping time for the past few days.

There’s one pattern that I recognize in my life : if I start slipping away, having good intention yet keep postponing it for no reason, neglecting some responsibilities or getting lazy, my lessson always come instantly. The wake up call rarely waits too long to ring, which is Alhamdulillah.

The more I realized that the biggest enemy has always been inside. You don’t have to fight anyone but your evil inside. This is why fasting is prescribed for us.

Finished this writing while waiting for having my car washed. Another long overdue to do list that had been postponed for a while.

Car wash, 28 Ramadan 1445H

The Most Uncomfortable Ramadan

This Ramadan has been the most uncomfortable I have ever experienced in the few past years.

It still gives the usual joyful feeling but it’s been shadowed by several things behind the scene.

Knowing how the Palestinians spent this Ramadan under attack, famine, terror, and it has been five months, masya Allah.

Whenever I read some historical events, like world war, I wondered how life was for other parts of the world which weren’t part of the war. How it felt when you were part of the people who were affected by the war, struggle and suffered, while you knew there were people out there who had bussines as usual and normal ordinary days.

During covid, it felt like we were in this together. But, this time, I felt like we betrayed those people. We enjoyed festive Ramadan safely, happily, peacefully, while those people out there, the mothers, the children suffered greatly from the devils’ continous evilish acts.

I love doing all the worshiping day by day, but, I don’t feel like doing all the usual rituals. I want to capture all of things around the home during Ramadan as usual, but, always end up postpone or even cancel whatever I want to share.

I am currently on my period so I have been absent from fasting for almost a week. Nothing give uneasy feeling in Ramadan other than the period. I feel so isolated. No fasting, no prayers, no iftar, no sahur, no tarawih, I dislike period the most when it is Ramadan.

Halfway through Ramadan and I only write twice. This year Ramadan is joyfully uncomfortable.

18 Ramadan 1445H

Different Ramadan Experiences

Ramadan has always been an intense reflection period personally.

It allows more silence during the day where my mind wanders to many things that I have been going through and how much things have changed.

Comparing the different experiences of Ramadan when I was little and with what my daughter has today is one of them .

Looking back, the kind of Ramadan that I had during childhood was very much outdoor. Subuh at the mosque after sahur with the neighboor friends followed by playing outside before it was time to go to school, riding a bike around the block before iftar, then tarawih prayer at the mosque again after dinner.

While this little girl spent so much of her time indoor. Including the Ramadan. She fasts well and properly already. Wake up sahur easily, no hungry nagging along the day, having iftar eagerly, then tarawih together at home.

Growing up without siblings (and children of her age around the neighborhood) has its own disadvantages indeed. But, it is what it is.

During the fast, she keeps doing her activities as usual including physical training with her coach and soon swimming will resume. At home, she has few chores that she has to do like unloading the dishwasher and put back all the kitchen and eating utensils to where they belong. She also has to make some simple dessert for iftar.

Not only at home, we also totally have different Ramadan experiences at school. I went to a private Islamic school where Ramadan was celebrated loudly and merrily. I really really loved Ramadan vibes at school. It was one of the most wonderful times during my childhood.

For the little girl, she goes to a private general school. Although Islam is still the majority there, there’s no spesific celebration for particular religious events since it’s not a religious school.

The decision to send her to a non-religious school surprised me too, who had planned a long time ago about a school she would attend. But doesn’t life rarely go according to plan? Things happened, life course changed its direction, so we just need to adapt and adjust the plan.

For her to learn about her religion is the top priority for me. So, instead of fully outsourcing the religious education to the school, we take the responsibility. She’s been learning with a private teacher twice weekly at 5.30 am to learn the Quran, fiqh, and many more. For the other days, she is doing it with me.

This is another difference too. While I only learned the Quran at school when there was a lesson in the timetable and once a week with a teacher at home who my parents hired, she learns and reads the Quran every day, without excuse. It’s a compulsory routine to start her day.

No wonder, up until the third grade, she had memorized more surahs than I had ever done in 9 years of attending an Islamic school. This hit me hard. Of course, it is good that my daughter is doing better than me, but, shouldn’t us parents set an example too? Thus, I searched and have been learning with another teacher too since last more than a year ago to catch up with her. How could I correct and teach her when I don’t even know the surahs she memorized at all?

I guess educating a child is quite simple. You don’t have to teach her anything. You have to show and set an example for yourself. Anything, any skills, any values, that we want the child to acquires, do and practice it first ourselves. They will follow, most of the time.

It’s simple that’s why it’s hard. Because, nothing harder than changing and educating yourself.

In the end, whatever different Ramadan experiences she and I have, I hope Ramadan will always be a delightful time of the year, too, for her, as it has always been for me.

Amin.

Library, 8 Ramadan 1445H.

Tell, Life Will Show How

You tell life what you want, and life tells you how to get it. When you ask for soulmate love, you must listen if life says, but not with them. When you ask for prosperity, you must listen if life says, but not like this.

When you ask for belonging, you must listen if life says, but not here. What feels on the surface like rejection is often redi-rection. When you ask for a big life, you cannot keep fighting for a smaller one to stay.

That is a page from Brianna Wiest’s Pivot Year.

This page reminded me of one day in 2022.
It was only few days after Ramadan ended.

Ramadan that year spent by going around the town, did tens of viewing almost every weekend, while fasting. The initial plan was gathering information and see the available option that we could afford in few years time. Not buying.

Little did we know that was the beginning of long journey. In one of the viewings, the agent said she had another house that wasn’t really good but it was in a quite good location. We agreed to see it first.

We fell for it right away.
It was Saturday and on Sunday morning we came again with an architect I found on the internet just within few hours who could come, see and made a budget plan how much needed to rebuild this house.

From just looking around to really buying? I even thought it was kind a reckless. We also had a zoom meeting with our financial planner to check whether we could really afford it at that time. He said, by numbers, it should be okay.

We paid the down payment too that day. As a newbie, we didn’t know a down payment could be just a small amount. We paid 10 times as requested by the owner. Looking back, it felt like a head over heels teenager in love.

Those things happened in few hours. Then, what did we do on the same day? We returned to the house at night. Just wanted to see how it felt during the night.

Although I know it by heart already, still I forgot, when it’s easy then it must be fishy.

The process kept going until at certain point, it started to fall apart. Not here, life said. But, the heartache of letting go something you really wanted was quite real.

If you think the heartache was only on us, it wasn’t. It took the agent for a while to recover of what she lost when everything seemed so close. She kept texting for many other options that might interest us.

Refused to move on for a while, until I bumped into another advertisement that lead to where we are right now.

The process hadn’t been smooth from the very beginning. There was always something that made us wait, which finally felt right.

Indeed, a delay in your plan is always Allah’s protection.

5 Ramadan 1445 H

Ramadan is Here!

Ramadan has always been exciting and spending it fotr the first time at our own home feels incredible.

May this Ramadan bring so much blessing,

May the fasting will be joyful and happy.

All I want for this Ramadan is for the Palestinians to be safe, at ease, and free.

Amin.

Ramadan Mubarak and have a blessed and joyful one!

Too comfy couch in the living room facing the vertical garden, waiting for suhoor time and the slow cooked oxtail soup ready while listening to the rain, 1 Ramadan 1445 H.

Not in 100 years

Long(er) way to go, Indonesia.

Yesterday was significant enough to deserve a place on my blog.
A day that proved we wouldn’t go anywhere or any better for the next 100 years.

The day that showed what values are considered important in this country. Result and victory are the most important thing, no matter what you do to achieve it. There’s never law in this country. Only power and a lot of money.

The day that shows dishonesty is not something that society despises, but rather something that people celebrate.

The day that confirmed the total failure of our education system. Both in cognitive and character building part.

The day that confirmed we as parents should really try harder in raising our children because we need to go against the stream. A huge massive stream.

The day that confirms that we as a nation will NEVER GO FAR, if not go backward. We need to accpet that we only get the leaders that we deserve. It actually saddened me much more than I could think of.

A relationship with something has never been this difficult, I once wrote.

Eat well.
Exercise regularly.
Sleep adequately.
Work diligently.
Save your family.
Pray wholeheartedly.
Hopefully we could survive whatever we have in the future sanely.

D-Day

I never know a day could feel so important for me.

I once wrote somewhere :

“Being the citizen here feels like being a good, kind, hardworking, loving, and forgiving child that should accept they have extremely toxic parents.”

I thought I was harsh enough to call those people toxic. But, they’re proving me wrong once again. Labeling them toxic is too soft.

Everything they do on this general election is beyond sickening and disgusting. All the ways they take to make the illegals possible, all the overnight policies made to justify they greediness. They mess up the whole system for the sake to stay longer in power.

Shameless, heartless, brainless bastards.

I won’t say pardon this time.

For the first time after 10 years, I would resume voting. This time, it’s more important than ever. One vote might not change anything but, at least, no one should let those evils win without our best fight.

It’s raining heavily now. Sending a lot of prayers for this country.

May Allah protects this country and the people.

What We Learn This Year

This year we learn, we’ve been betrayed to the smallest detail for such enormous trust placed upon a person by the whole nation for the past 10 years.

As a nation, honesty is not, and might be never, our strength. Good characters building doesn’t really considered important and rarely included in the early years curriculum education. We mostly focus on what’s easy and quick to measure. We’re more interested in things that look shiny outside. We love shortcuts more than anything.

While character is something built in silence, through hundreds of thousands repetition, setbacks and failure for a long period of time. Character is not what you are when the spotlight is on. Your true character is what you are and what you do when no one is looking. Character is when you choose not to do something while you have all the time, chance, power, or energy to do everything.

Money and power are two most reliable tool to test characters. One doesn’t change because of them, it only reveals the true nature of their characters.

We have A LOT OF nice and kind PEOPLE in this country.
But, the right ones? Rarely. Many things happened in this country show a lot how much we fail to nurture such important character from early age.

They said it’s better to be kind than right. Yes, only in very specific personal situations. But, when you deal with the life of more than 280 millions people, being right should be non negotiable. When you dare yourself to take a huge responsibility, like taking’s someone daughter as your partner, or decide to have a child on your own, you can be always nice. You need to do what’s right over what’s nice.

This year we learn to never trust (someone) blindly. Whoever it is.
Always spare (a lot of) rooms for doubts.

I am not a fan like my daughter, but Spongebob has one of the best lines out there :

Spongebob : What if I break your trust someday?
Patrick : Trusting you is my decision. Proving me wrong is your choice.