Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

Critical Point on The Game

It was almost 11 pm and the mind was still dealing with the some noise inside regarding the big match that meant a lot for this country.

Surely won’t discuss how the team beautifully fought and got the best result, but more of what happened during one of the matches.

It was almost 8 pm and we had done with the last prayer. Bedtime for the little girl.

We (mostly me) always accompany her for bed time stories everyday. But, that time, none of us, both her parents, wanted to move from our seat.

Her dad told her to sleep first by herself and after some good night kisses with him, she went to her room, without said much and looked at me at all.

I kept watching until few minutes later and then decided to leave my spot and went to her room.

She was lying around with eyes opened, looked so restless, and was busy wiping her eyes when she saw me coming.

I hugged her and asked if she was okay and answered :

“I am so sad no one wants to accompany me”.

“I know, right? But, I am coming. The match is so important, but you are far more important”.

The tone suddenly changed and she picked the storybook we haven’t finished for days. We only read few pages but that was more than enough to switch the voice and situation from going to sleep with awful mood to a happy one.

I stayed a little bit longer till I bid good night.

When I return to the couch, the match was still on the run, with no significance difference from when I left.

Watching the rest of the matches enjoyably till the end result.

Along the final matches, the players made lots of small mistakes, some were pretty frustrating, but there were certain critial moment, that they should make it and earned important points, because it made all the difference. Like getting to 11 first on the rubber set, because most of the time, one who got to 11 first on the rubber set won the game. Most of the time, not always. The decider player last night didn’t get to 11 first yet he won the match. But, it was rare. Most of the time, it has always been the one who got 11 first on the rubber, win the match.

Maybe it feels similar to parenthood. Along the journey, you’ll make lots of mistakes, wrong your child, but there are certain moments, that you can’t mess up, as long as you have the choice. In one of my readings which I couldn’t remember who or where, there are three critical periods in children daily life where being next to them would be an advantage : wake up time, after school, and before bed time.

I was glad I chose to come to her. Had I decided to keep watching, I might not miss the athletes made some points but, I would indeed miss bigger and critical points from someone who is absolutely more important than the athletes on the screen.

Having someone left their seat during the match wouldn’t change the result. No one will notice or don’t have a slightest care about that.

But, by doing that, it surely made a huge difference for the little girl’s mood result. She might remember it for some time such feeling, the bad or the good, depended of what the choice we made last night.

In the end, both circumstances wrapped beautifully.

The mens group lifted the trophy beating the Chinese group in three straight matches, after long years of waiting.

While me, I managed to lift up my little girl’s mood and prevented her from going to sleep with such awful feeling, after beating myself and warned the brain to not to mess up with the priority.

Two great victories made last night.

Congrats, guys!!

Well done, you.

Posted in Thoughts

Mental Noise

I have been wondering about something lately and end up reading some articles about this.

I am someone with noisy mind. From the time I wake up till bed time, my mind is one ‘who’ is constanly having monologue inside the head. Doing lots of daily activies always accompanied by the monolog inside my mind talking about many random things.

From this article : Mental noise – also called inner monologue – is a term used to describe the incessant chattering we hear all of the time in our brains, from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep (sometimes it can even prevent sleep!).

The few items described by that article speaks to me a lot, especially one that said “constant analysis of our and other people’s situations, reactions and behavior”.

I always feel like having another friend inside of me that keeps me entertained. This is maybe why overthinking becomes one of my natural talent.

The good thing is it doesn’t bother the good night sleep at all so far. In some unusual day like when I have something big in mind like travelling far away from home, then it might disturb the night sleep.

Another side effect of having noisy mind is I am constantly looking for something to think. I feel restless when I have nothing to read and I feel calmer when I have enough reading stocks around. It gives me certain pleasure whenever I find something new to read unexpectedly, like bump into an instagram or blog with enjoyable writing.

With such noisy mind, I also keep looking for something to entertain my brain, making plans, doing some researches on something, mostly about doing activity with little girl or some new ice cream shop to try. Thus, I always one with plans and somehow feel ‘guilty’ when I have nothing in mind.

Writing is one way to reduce the noise inside. Been constantly writing since my elementary school days. It has been a great help until today. While reading doesn’t work all the time because it’s more of consuming kind, writing always does because it’s on the releasing part.

The downside is, whenever the writing urge strikes, once it started, I couldn’t stop until I finish it. Whenever the mood to write comes, I need to grab it. So, neglecting some other things is sometimes unavoidable.

This is also why I almost always write during holiday. With so many things the eyes see, the brain works even harder and the talking inside is getting louder. It needs some ways to reduce the noise and writing is the only possible way because I don’t (really) like talking to human being.

I rarely wait until the holiday is over because by that time, I already have other noises to deal with.

Just like now, by clicking the publish button, I am releasing some noise inside to give more space for some other to come.

This topic reminds me of one of the most exciting current on-going shows from dramaland, which is NOT SQUID GAME (still can’t bring myself to proceed more than the first few minute of the first episode), but this one.

Just like Yumi, maybe the noise comes from the cells inside that keep talking all the time?

It could be.

Bon weekend à vous tous!

Posted in Favorite things, Langit Senja, Places, Review

Glamping at Forest Garden Batulayang

I usually write in Bahasa Indonesia for a review, but not this time because no time to think harder.

Camping has been on little girl’s head for quite a while without no clear answer or plan.

Found this quite secluded glamping spot two weeks before, after intense two days researches, after having an official letter about piano school semester break, without knowing any other schedules at school.

Chose the date carefully on weekdays and half weekend. When the weekly schedule released last Sunday, the departure date turned out to be exactly right after the last test day at school, and for the first time, there was no zoom meeting for her favorite subject on Friday.

These little things that seemed like coincidences were things that amazed me how the invisible hand would help you in many ways beyond human calculation.

This glamping site is the closest, the safest, and the most reasonable choice for newbies like us (me and the little girl). It feels like camping like sleeping with some bugs, open air bathroom with pine tree view, night with bonfire, yet it has some adjustments like comfy bed and blanket and acceptably clean bathroom.

It is our first outing after nine months here and it is quite safe space for current situation. Open air, no physical distancing needed, big chance of mask free possible since meeting other group was quite rare. During our stay, there were only other two families.

Some yes points for the glamping site :

– Responsive staff

– Reasonable driving distance from home (2 hours)

– Got the camping feel for the little girl such as sleeping with some bugs inside the tent, campfire with roasted marshmallows, open air bathroom yet got the two most important things comfortably for mommy : bed and bathroom. Not ready to settle for less since this was my first time too.

– Price included 3 meals (BLD) and 3 snacks time.

– Quiet, fresh air, and far from crowded. At that time, we only had other two families with us. Those two checked out the next day, so there was period when we got all the camping site for ourselves.

– Kids friendly activities such ATV, fishing, guling-guling on the grass, walking and bathing in the river, monkey watching (there were few since it’s forest), acceptable tracking route for little girl with some help (tolerable means it depends on the one who got through it).

We took the nature walk to the next level. Conquered quite short yet rocky trail, crossed the river, climbed the rock with some help and managed to reach the finish line.

It was a great chance to entertain all the senses to the fullest.
Watched the beautiful view along the hike.
Listened to the nature sound and the silence of the forest.
Smelled the fresh air.
Felt all the things with the hand and feet.
Filled the heart with utmost gratitude.

This was also my first time doing such thing and felt so ecstatic to have my pink boots finally been in the place it should have been after a while.

It is quite hard to not to brag about this little traveler who survived all kind of weather, from the deep blue sea to the top of the forest, happily. After live on board in Komodo Island for 5 days two years ago, this was another nature adventure she did well.

Among 11 people who started the tracking, only 3 completed the journey.

Finish what we have started is not something that everyone can do.

It was two days well spent without daily schedule, youtube or Roblox since proper internet or wifi was not available. Yes, they got NO WIFI, although they said they did in the website.

But, it wasn’t really a big problem because we did many things such as playing card for learning bahasa Indonesia, snake and ladder, drawing, or just swinging and went around the site.

“Will we have another camping next year?” she asked.

Well girl, that is a question that only time could answer. For now, let’s say big fat Alhamdulillah for us to be granted this precious chance.

Posted in Favorite things, Places, Thoughts

Brake and Break

Currently writing from inside a glamping tent in the middle of little forest.

Planned this short break just few weeks ago. When piano school break schedule was released, I thought we had to use it for something a little bit more than ordinary. We received the piano report card last week with pretty much flying colors. Never imagined I would see a perfect 100 in my 13 years of piano report card. Even 80 was gained with so much efforts.

When I saw such number on little girl’s report paper, there were certain inexplicable feeling. While she was being totally indifferent, not really knowing what it meant, thinking that it was just meaningless numbers (it actually was just numbers), but it was totally different story for me.

On that report card, I couldn’t help thinking hard about my mother. About things that she had done to make me stay, in spite never having tangible satisfying result for 13 years . To have such leap of faith, keep telling me that no hardworks would be wasted.

On that report card I saw how far this piano journey takes me. I won’t repeat the story here since I had written about that in here.

She was, as usual, right. That 13 years started to keep giving return right after I completed the long journey. Gave me the first job when I was on my first year of college. Gave me that proud feeling on earning my own money way much earlier than my peers. Started fully supporting my self on my third year, paid all my expenses from school tuition to rent, food, entertainment, even managed to save some for Hajj registration.

It didn’t stop there and continued to return the result of enduring that 13 years diligently. More than I could think of, in many things of my life. Thanks to 13 years, I was able to accompany my mother till her last breath, to take care of her on her last days. Thanks to that 13 years, I escaped full time works when I was a bread winner during the first year marriage. Thanks to that, I had choices to be able to stay with the little girl during her most important years. Thanks to that, I ticked my three big dreams during my 20s. I could go on about its return for me, but I’d rather stop here.

When I thought it couldn’t give better result, then it still refused to stop. Knowing the little girl condition with her speech delay and everything, I was totally reluctant to teach her this piano since I couldn’t understand how could she manage with such restriction.

But, there’s always something bigger than my small minded mind. Only need one coincidence of canceled school day and an anniversary gift.

I started teaching her out of leisure time on one winter day in December 2019 because her school suddenly sent notication they were dealing with small fire so they had to close the school that day. A simple Do-Re-Mi song from The Sound of Music.

We never stop since that day.

It becomes daily habit done 7 days a week with close to zero day, unless we are away from home. Two years later, this was what we got.

The first thing that came to my mind seeing this was : Nenek Salma must be happy

But, more than the numbers, I was happier to see the naration. How hardworking she has been, her enthusiasm, her willingness to learn, I was glad it was well-appreciated.

Wow, such a long prolog for a post.

It’s also been busy and packed for the last few weeks at school. Been doing tests on all subjects for few weeks and last Wednesday was the last one.

We planned this trip without knowing the last test schedule but, glad it turned out to fit everything. Last test on Wednesday and for the first time, there is no zoom meeting for the her favorite subject today. So, I could ask for permission with lighter heart.

She had been asking for camping for few times. Had so many ideas on her head about real camping. But, as a first timer, I wasn’t ready. So, thorough glamping researches done and finally met this place. Thinking about having a separate review post once we’re done.

The situation out there alhamdullilah is getting better and better, but still, we take every precaution needed till we decide to keep going with this. The doctor also managed to empty his schedule and everything.

So, here we are. Pressing the brake to enjoy some break with nature for a while before resuming of pressing accelerator pedal with clutch in daily life.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

Heartache

Today, during school from home morning circle, the little girl learned that people would break her heart, made her upset and cried hard, although it was unintentional, and there was nothing she could do to avoid that, no other way than to deal with it, on her own. Those around her could soothe her for a while, but the rest, she had to figure it out herself because it’s her who felt it inside.

A simple thing like when someone forgot to call your name during attendance list and gratitude book reading could turn to be something big. It was far from simple when you had waited for your turn patiently, you had prepared your line carefully, heard that even others who hadn’t prepared at all being called twice, you expected that your turn would come soon and suddenly it said it was done.

I encouraged her to speak up about that. I told her to unmute herself and say it loudly, although it was with trembling voice and teary eyes that she said she hadn’t got her name called. Some excuses given from the other party, but it didnt make things better of course.

Afterwards, I sent text to stress how important this thing for us and reminded to pay careful attention so there would be no second time for this, to anyone, for whatever reasons. Apology sent to me but it was actually the little girl who needed to hear it. She kept asking whether the person was really sorry or had already said sorry.

Other than upset, being confused was totally understandable. Here at home, we (always try to) apologize properly, discuss it, explain the whys, but we couldn’t ask other to do the same. Apology is not something that you ask from other people. It was given from someone who feels it’s the right thing to do after a mistake.

In the society where sorry and thank you are not not trained properly and considered mandatory, it’s hard to expect such thing from others. Even worse, those who think children doesn’t deserve a sincere apology.

At times like this, what helps a lot is to have proper time and space to process everything, to explain thoroughly so having acceptance would be easier. I am glad I was with her when such things happened.

As we make journaling more routine, she also managed to pour her feelings into short writing.

Slightly messier handwriting than usual due to messy heart?
“I haven’t got my turn!”

It was not my first time dealing with this, been through worse, yet, it was still heart-breaking to see other people hurt your child.

There’s always homework to do in any stages of motherhood you go through.

Emotional regulation is our main subject which comes with bulk of tasks and lots of unannounced tests, for now.

Some days are Joyful and , some days are awful and bring you displeasures.

Posted in Langit Senja, Past learning, Thoughts

5.30 am Request Granted

New week with new timetable on the list.

The long search about finding a proper Quran teacher who fits all my requirements finally ended. It’s been couple of weeks since having this uncomfortable feeling teaching her this subject. Knowing how far from adequate my knowledge on her current level.

It also doesn’t feel right when we go with professional and qualified teachers for her other education like piano, speech language therapy, gym, so why we go with a mediocre and unqualified one for something as important as learning Quran?

As always, what we ask is what we get.

After clicking lots of profiles in superprof app for months, following few learning accounts, without satisfying results till I just stopped searching. But, giving up on this is not an option.

As always, things always granted when we desperately want it the most.

The right one found me at the first search after long pause of searching at the end of last week.

The teacher accepted the request not long after that.

The funny thing happened when we discussed about the lesson time.

When I offered choices of our free afternoon schedule, the teacher said he could only have mornings since he had fully booked from afternoon till night.

I had certain unusual idea in mind that I would like to propose to whoever that will become her Quran teacher.

To have the lesson at the same time she usually has her lesson daily with me. Right after subuh.

Since the teacher said he wasn’t available during usual and normal hours, so I thought it was perfect time to offer the unsual idea of mine.

I asked.

He agreed right away.

We paid in advance.

He gave the lesson link with the schedule in an instant.

On the day, we requested five minutes before the appointed schedule as we always do.

He accepted at exactly 5.30 am.

This is why we should always ask everything in details.

I want a Quran teacher who :

– has proper knowledge and qualification in teaching the subject

– speaks english well (more because of her first language is English and she thinks in English), not just one that can speak English, like me.

– know how to teach.

– last but obviously not the least, on time to the last minute.

Alhamdulillah, as many other things in life that I have requested so far , this time too, all is granted on the right time.

First lesson done well. Hopefully will continue to do so. Amin.

Posted in Books, Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

The Joy of Motherhood

As we finished isya and she folded her mukena, she came to me and looked at me, then whispered in tiny voice,
“Are you binung (bingung)?” since she caught me staring blankly.

“I am not feeling well,”

“Can I help you with anything? Do you want some tea?”

“Ya, i’ll make some tea later,”

“I’ll help you with it. With sugar or honey? Or without sugar?”

“Without sugar. Do you know which glass to use?”

“The green glass,”.

Then I just watched her doing it step by step in her own way.

While mine is put the tea bag on the glass, then fill it with hot water while hers is fill the glass with hot water then put the tea bag.

As her hand went up and down with the tea bag, she asked,

“Enough?”

“Yes,”.

The glass didn’t have any handles on it, when she touched it she knew she couldn’t bring it to me.

I thought she would ask me to just go to the table and drink it there (i still sat on the sajadah), but instead she said,
“Wait, I need a tray to bring this, but where is it?”

(there’s usually a little tray for drinking glass on the table)

“In the drying rack, I washed it. Is it dried enough already?”

She took it and answered,
“Not really, but it’s fine”.

She put the tea on the tray and put it on the carpet.
One sip, it filled the whole body with warmth.

Little cup with enormous effect

Listened to the empathetic tone. Listened to her offering help, even asked with some details. Watched her doing the task systematically and solved the problem well.

It was a joy that no kind of tangible achievement could give.

I once wrote last year, I have three qualities that become my compass in raising her. At the same time, Edward de Bono’s book become one of the on-going readings on the shelf.

Being shown that she displayed one of the qualities properly and showed that she knew how to think accordingly.

This is the kind of learning and training result that matters the most for me.

This might be just a simple thing for others, but this is the kind of event that could wipe all my worries tremendously for a while.

It was one of the moments that I could assure myself that she would be ok.

Posted in Favorite things, Langit Senja, Places

The Joy of Childhood

As always, a sudden plan striked again last Tuesday. Realized that she had only one morning meeting, house cleaned, many hours to go to a simple exam this afternoon, dinner’s secured, then immediate preparations fixed to go to some place that she would love.

Since pandemic began, in London, and especially here, guess I am getting better at making sudden trip happen. Last minutes field trip becomes banal. The tricky thing is, before I could tell her that we would go somewhere, I had to carefully planned everything. Not all the plan successfully executed, but most of the time, it did.

The perks of having all things done at home as early as possible, having plan A and B for weekly meal prep inside the brain, when sudden idea came, we could grab it fast. I could only go outside peacefully knowing everything inside is taken care properly.

Glad also that her current school and homeschool schedules still allow us to have this chance. Packed Monday balanced with easy Tuesday. Some days I look like an ambitious chinese tiger parent that filled her kid with lots of extra activities, some days I could look like a laid back Dutch or Scandinavian parent that let her child play freely all day. That Tuesday, it was the latter.

Left the car and ordered the taxi because of the restriction and again turned out to be the best option. Although his car also one with even number license, the driver knew the routes to beat the restriction which I and goggle maps didn’t. New knowledge is always welcomed.

It was rained right when we arrived, yet it knew how precious the chance for a proper outdoor session. Not long, the sun said hello within few minutes.

Little bunny finally reunited with things that she had been missing for months. Proper playground and (lightly) soaked on the water. This time, I wouldn’t go with the tone saying how pity to live in the city where we had to pay for this kind of basic thing for children.

(But you said it!)

I know.

But, such a nice break from Roblox, isn’t it girl?

Posted in Books, Favorite things

My Kind of Leisure and Pleasure

Always been a polygamous reader since many years ago. Couldn’t stuck with one reading at one time. Belows are the past few months that currently entertain the mind.

Reading is my leisure.

Beautiful lightning, day and night, is my pleasure.

The reading corner in natural morning light
Barefeet reading during afternoon golden hours
Beauty
Car-wash reading in natural morning light
Peach tea is the element
Classic reading about the city
The city tour guide by the tube

Feels like listening to life advices from the old man

Posted in Favorite things, Places, Thoughts, Travel

The Colors of Life

… that I miss a lot. Among tons of excitement life in London has to offer, its parks and gardens are things that I treasure so dearly (it is one of two best things in London). Especially when the leaves change colors during the most beautiful season of the year.

It was a period of life when I captured the same views for ten times in every corner. Sat on the bench while watching people, lay down on the grass while looking at the beautiful sky. Walked slowly around the quiet garden admiring my shoes, counting my steps, and taking some shadow selfies. Listened to my loud mind asking random things that I didn’t bother to answer. The period when I felt such enormous gratitude inside.

The period that I remembered telling myself often,“when life is on the low, remember that it was once this high and glow”.

It was one of the periods when life was the most beautiful and the heart was indeed beyond full.

Kew Gardens
Kyoto Garden
Southwark Park
Brockwell Park
Hyde Park