It surely is on fire. My writing mood. Let’s proceed, shall we?
Something definitely changed after that Saturday afternoon phone call. I knew it, he surely did too. But… I chose to ignore it. Or, tried my best to avoid it, to be honest.
I had my reasons. First, it was getting scare. Really, at first I was ok. I enjoyed our talks, our jokes. I felt like this was so good. I never knew that I could be this comfortable talking to someone whom I’d just met. It amazed me that this time I didn’t behave as bad as before.
Bad means bad. I once just walked away when my friend wanted to introduce me to her friend, our senior. This guy had been asking my friend to introduce him to me for days. Then, when we accidentally met somewhere at school, my friend happily shouted at him to introduce us. Then, when he came, I just stared at him, then left.
What could be worse and stupid? I didn’t do that only just once. Almost every time. But, this one, this time, I didn’t. I didn’t run, I didn’t make excuses. Or, let say not in the first step. It was a major change.
Second and the rests, I was not ready. Not at all. Period.
That Saturday afternoon phone call brought all those situations we had before to all new level. He was more clear in expressing his feeling. Several times he threw those lines that I was unable to counter. I often made jokes when his text felt dangerous, and often worked also. But then, I had a good rival here. His texts became softer, caring, and confusing. That was so new to me.
I never had someone intensely greeted me every morning, asked how my day was, and in the end of the day, wished me nice dream. It even sounded so wrong. It was getting hard because not only him, but I had to fight my self too. Half of my self wanted to try this, and the other half didn’t.
What made it harder, all these players were equally stubborn. Real stubborn. He was so persistent. Asked me to go out, wanted to send me home, celebrated his birthday with me, and many more. Meanwhile, I didn’t want to do all those things, at all. Not because of him, but I didn’t fancy doing that. While he had no idea why I was so hard, I too didn’t understand why he was so persistent. He might think that it were all usual things a guy asked to a girl he liked, while I thought that why tried so hard if this girl refused it.
But then, it was only half of my self that refused it. The other half was so curious to see what happened if this continued. That was why, it kept going. Something inside me made it kept going. I felt like betrayed by me. That one who didn’t obey the other that wanted to stop. This time, I was totally dragged out of my comfort zone. Instead of avoiding, I pushed to face it.
The texts then felt like a time bomb that could explode at any time. I was becoming so careful in replying the texts. I tried my best not to hear any dangerous statement from him. I wanted this as we had this on the first place, nothing more.
Then, the bomb finally exploded on one Wednesday night. I still remembered that night. Again, it started from text messages. Few days before, his texts were those of the most uneasiness I’d ever had. Kept being cynical of our status, what term that defined us best, and so on. Many of those texts needed me to spend hours just think about how to reply it, well.., right. So much energy just to reply a text!
Maybe that Wednesday night he reached his limit. And I knew that I could no longer hide, nor avoid it. The only choice left was to face it so we would know what to do next. His texts that night were very clear. He clearly said that he didn’t want to keep wondering all the time. He wanted to hear from me what I felt about us. He had done his part. By telling me ” I think I like you. A lot”. It was beyond clear.
I made up my mind. Told him that this time, I would call him and talked about this not by texts. We talked. I remembered how tense that night was. I called him from my home number. It was a very long talk. I finally told him everything. What I thought about this, how I felt for him, and what I wanted after this. I told him all, please note it, bravely.
Somehow, I couldn’t believe that I did it. Confessing my personal feeling to someone else. It was real me. Even after 4-hours-long talk and hung up the receiver, I just sat still for moments, couldn’t say any words and kept asking, ” Is it really me? Am I crazy? What the h*ll am I doing?” I must be insane.
It seemed everything happened beyond my control. The harder I tried to stop this, the more complicated it would be. So, after that night, i gave up a bit. Just a bit, not much. Not only me, the other party himself also changed. He became less gloomier, the texts were somehow more cheerful while, with his cheesy-tried-to-sound-romantic lines, and in someway, um.. there were affection. What surprised me, unconsciously, I gave it back. Kind of naturally. Like it wasn’t something new for me. But then again, just a bit, not much.
I learned a lot from this new experience. Learned to deal with other’s feeling, learned to compromise about something, learned to be more open and let other person knew what I felt, learned about many new things that I maybe knew what before, but never knew how.
Learned and experienced a truly whole new world in 18 years of my life.