I have been always want to run away when facing three things although the chances
were quite rare. Whenever these things come, there will be some things which don’t exist beforehand, suddenly appear. Like non-stop coughing, or even worse the asthma. Just appear like that.
Luckily, among those three, I don’t have to face one of them. Oh well, just realize that it is actually two of them. The one that still here, guess I have to continue facing it in the future. So, the two expired ones were piano exam and someone who liked me. Weren’t they laughable? But, I won’t talk about those two here. It’s the third that makes me a bit anxious for few days and so I decide to write to lessen the anxiety.
It’s about going to hospital.
It’s been always got me on my nerves whenever I have to visit hospital. I don’t like its ambience, the scent, and everything. It’s too uncomfortable and somehow depressing. No matter how much some hospitals have changed to be more sophisticated, still I don’t feel any better. I had rare meeting with hospitals in the past. I mean for myself. So, when I knew that I was pregnant, one of the first thing come into my mind was the thought of giving birth by midwives, not a doctor in a hospital. Bien sur, le doctor husband refused. I delayed to visit an obgyn until a month later to be more mentally prepared.
Whenever the time for obgyn appointment came, I had been so restless. Few times hoped that he might have not come so it would be canceled. The fear was at its highest stake when the nurse called my name. Hah, entering the practice room with sweaty hands, pale face, frighten body gestures, maybe the doctor thought I had seen ghost before seeing him. That is why no matter how long we waited to be served by the doctor, we almost never spent more than 10-15 minutes inside. We only asked one big question to him, whether the baby was healthy. If he answered yes,then we didn’t need to ask for more. Off we went, happily.
I thought that I was getting better at dealing with the doctor after went through pregnancy and delivery. But, seemed that I was wrong. It’s been even more and much more nervous whenever I have pediatrician visit. Going to the hospital for Langit is a lot more frightening for me.
The doctor is nice, the hospital feels comfortable, so what else? I am afraid of the weight measurement. I really forgot what is the term for this. Whenever I see that thing, it feels like the examiner who will judge how I have been doing for month. Whether I am doing well or just bad. Really, maybe I am being exaggerating, but it matters to me.
I should have come to the hospital last Tuesday. But, the vaccine Langit should have is still not available. So I thought why should I go there? Again, skipping the appointment feels like breaking the rules for me. I have been feeling guilty. Because I know the main reason why I didn’t come wasn’t because of the vaccine. It’s my cowardice to face the truth if Langit’s weight is not increasing as much as I expect.
Langit has been more to height baby than weight one. The weight were mostly good. She has been on the green curve, but, the weight has been very much stingy. You don’t ask how it felt when the digital scale showed me some numbers that I couldn’t believe it was only that much. After those daily hardworks, battle feedings, messy preparations, was that all this thing could show me? A mere few differences like the previous month.
It turned my mood to the lowest level. Felt like all my energy had been sucked by that thing. It was just like a very bad paid to those works. Until few days after that, my mood was constantly bad.
Well, I have made up my mind to visit the doctor tomorrow. At least, I have noticed my helper to accompany me. Let see what tomorrow brings then. Now I’d better prepare my heart for the worst.