Posted in Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

I Reap What She Had Sown

It’s Thursday night here and I just finished my daily shift after putting Langit to her bed. I have been replaying a scene in my head. Once again, it’s about my mother.

I can’t never get enough talking about her. While some people out there keep telling me something about her in any ways I couldn’t think of.

I was in a gas station few days ago and suddenly the man who helped me there asked me how was life. It took me by surprise and pretty confused. Didn’t feel knowing this person before. Answered him hesitantly, he then continued explaining something.

So, he said that he knew my mother since few years before she died. He said that he once helped my mother when she was donating food for ifthar to a mosque nearby his place. It ended up that my mom helped him too, but I didn’t ask furthermore. How did he know that I am my mom’s daughter? I was the one who drove my mom to the mosque.

As he spoke in a very kind manner about my mom’s kindness, I couldn’t help feeling so proud and admiring how she could do that until everyone seem to remember her this well. On the other side, it made me a bit sad too because she really made the standard became higher and higher.

What standard?

The one to be a great mother. As well as a person.

I didn’t say she was great just because she is my mother. Too many things prove that she was. The very first thing that proved the statement was what I saw during the day she died until the time she was buried.

Unlike my father who once had high position in government office, my mum was nothing like that. She was ‘just’ a teacher. A french teacher at France culture centre. But, on the day she died, the residence’s securities told my family that they were handling too many flower boards until they didn’t know where to put it. My house had been very crowded. People came and go and they didn’t just came and go. They sat next to her body and read yassin for her. My aunt said there hadn’t been any breaks that she was without companion who read yassin for her.

I once wrote about this in more details. So I won’t repeat. But, I want to say that I want to die like that. I want to live like that so I deserve to die like that. Like my mom.

After Langit came, I almost always replay back lots of things happened in the past with my mum. It was such a blessing that she was a very talkactive mother. It gave me vivid memories in my head since she often repeated lots if things she taught us.

I surely want that someday Langit will see me the way I see my mother. But I guess I really have to work so much harder than my mother. Why? Because Langit will never see the real situation between me and my mother.

It makes a big difference. I had  chances to see my mom and grandma’s interaction for 27 years. I knew my grandma in person very well, I saw how my mum treated her mom passionately, how my mum was so devoted to my grandma and so many things.

Sadly, Langit won’t have that chance. Actions always speak louder than words, but since it is impossible to have the real actions, writing this is the only way I could ever think of. Hoping that she could feel the way I felt about my mum.

For the past four years, I have been living with the help from those who had a good impression on my mother. This is so true. I often feel like I am receiving lots of returns from others’ investments.

Whenever I came or met someone who had known my mom, those person really made everything easier just because of my mom’s.action in the past. Her body might not be present, but her kindness stays and keep going through over the years.

It teaches me that the result of being a good parent is something beyond what eyes could see and brain could ever think of. I am not sure that my mom thought about her children whenever she did all those good things to others. I bet she also didn’t expect that her little actions brought so many advantages for her daughter in the future. Even after she was no longer here.

Her absence makes me often feel insecure. Not about me, but more about Langit. Wonder if Langit can really get enough good examples of great mother from (mostly) me alone.

I have been working hard for these past months after Langit came, doing and taking care almost everything alone, and still continue hardworking and hoping that one day, Langit will memorize what she sees and keep it for a long time. Then, there will be time when she will proudly say that she surely has a very good example from her mother.

You know what, that is one of my ultimate parenting goals. To have recognition from my own child(ren) that I have been doing well as (t)he(i)r mother.

I am working hard for it because I am paying something forward. I enjoy reaping things from every good deeds that my mother sowed. As I always believe there’s no such free lunch in this world, paying it forward seems to be a good payment.

It is surely a rocky journey. I might fall, feel tired, and really want to quit and let this goal gone by. But, I will keep looking back and cheer my self to keep going.

Motherhood is a journey worths all of your best efforts until the end.

I am 1000% into it.

Author:

Pas special, J'ai seulement besoin de beaucoup de privee

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