Posted in Thoughts

A Letter to Birthday Mom

Chére Maman,

Comment-vas tu? Ça va? Je crois tu vas bien. Trés bien.

I just finished my subuh prayer after preparing breakfast. We were having your famous coffee shack and mbak wi’s crepes. Langit is still sleeping, oh well, she is up then, but still on her crib.

I am doing well, and no. Well enough to survive while not really well because I have been complaining (a lot) too. I often question my self for many things happen, even more for things that will happen. It’s quite hard to find someone who is suitable enough to talk about everything in my mind. I talked to my husband, but still, I need someone who has been once went through what I am currently going through.

Although I believe if you were still here we wouldn’t have a very smooth coversation, but at least I could hear what you say. Sometimes, it gives me headache questioning lots of things then self-finding the answers without any other’s insights. Beside, you were the one who was almost right, weren’t you?:)

I’d learn watching you and dad the fact that marriage wasn’t easy. Even when you’re married to someone you want and want you, it doesn’t make it easier. Remember there were times I asked you why we should be married? Why we had children? Even the younger me had been a bit scared of it.

Scared of what? Not because the marriage itself, but the fear of not having at least the one that you had. Dealing with these household and baby stuff daily, mostly alone, make me wonder a lot how you manage to survive with us three. More, how you did it very well.

I often yell to my baby, feel so worn out, frustrated, and hate myself for having so little patience. Having a child is surely a great blessing, but like the superman’s uncle said, with great blessing, comes a great responsibility. Okay, plural form. Responsibilities. It’s lots of works.

Sometimes, I feel so lazy waking up early in the morning, preparing breakfast for everyone, then preparing Langit’s stuff, dealing with feeding tasks all day (which I dislike, hm, much?), and so on until night. I miss the old days when I had finished breakfast, I could have more sleep, or just lazing around.

Sometimes, I wonder what if the wedding really cancelled when you were hospitalised just two weeks before the date. Do you remember? I told you I didn’t mind postponing it until you were well enough so you could attend. You know what, I was halfly sincere saying that. Other half wasn’t just because I was afraid that others would pity us and both of you and dad would be embraced. We kept going because you told us to proceed. One ‘no’ from you, I really stopped it, no matter what.

I have never been doing really well when it comes to relationship. One of the things I do badly is dealing with other’s feeling. I am lazy, you know. I am happy being with myself alone. Four years with a man that you once didn’t agree with and later you finally said yes since he was so persistent and determined, doesn’t erase those facts. There were times I felt so hard while doing this. Wonder if I could survive. Wonder how strong I will be to face things ahead.

I am writing this while watching my husband bathing Langit. One thing I am so grateful here, he’s very handy when it comes to the baby’s task. Bathing, feeding, babysitting, waking up at night, and others.

I wish I could be saying all of this while snuggling into your arm and hiding inside a blanket so you wouldn’t see my face whining.

I should be going now, continue doing the chores. You know what, korean drama are getting better and better these days. It’s my favorite me-time of the day. Thank you for teaching me that, haha. Send my kissess to neski, bapu, om eko, and kakek cawang.

Oh, and Happy Birthday. I miss you.

Author:

Pas special, J'ai seulement besoin de beaucoup de privee

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