Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

(Not) Ready for Another Challenge

Life tends to be boring when we are staying too long in the comfort zone. Thus, we always need something new or, for some other things, renewed. As long as we breathe, it’s good to have something that make us feel alive.

Few days ago, little sister came up with pretty shocking yet exciting news. She is going to have another baby in the next few months insya Allah. For someone who just had a c-section for less than a year, she is surely brave. Brave in every way I could think of. But, knowing it is my sister, it is actually not really surprising.

My sister is everything that is totally my opposite. She is one of the most easy going persons I have known. She is truly the one who lives for today. While I am always the one with the long term.plan, she is the one with impulsive plans and flexible preferences. I once said that she enjoys life much more than I do. At least, I do see her like that.

If I almost stay all the time with the baby, except when I am working for few hours, three times a week, she is working full time from Monday-Friday, morning till evening. She has a house helper and a nanny to help her with the chores and babysit the baby. If others are even so hard to find a good one, she has two. Both are very good and kind. Thank God for this one, at least I have a part time house helper who have been with us for almost 20 years. Although I have no one to help me with Langit and the rest of house chores after the helper goes home, for now, it’s been enough.

About pregnancy, my sister had once an easy pregnancy, visited the obgyn happily every month, and even more, she didn’t seem like the one who had been pregnant. She stayed or at least looked as slender as before. Three things that I wasn’t lucky enough to have.

I obviously didn’t have an easy pregnancy. I had blooding once and been hospitalized, I had high d-dimer which made me had to bear the injection for some time, and I was surely anxious everytime I had obgyn’s appointment. Then, after delivery and breastfeeding, unlike most people, I lost weight too slowly.

About breastfeeding, it went the same too. I had been struggling with breastfeeding in the first two months and it had an impact to Langit’s weight. Had been working so hard to boost my breast-milk supply so Langit would survive without any other liquid and catched up her weight deficiency.

Au contraire de moi, my sister’s breastfeeding journey has been more smooth. Comparing the first time of breastfeeding, three hours pumping, I only could have 50 ml, while my sister got a full bottle of milk in less than thirty minutes. Full and bold. The first three months, my niece had almost three kilos more weight. She even once had 1,1 kg in a month.

If I list all the differences between us, it will be a very long and endless list. The point here is about her current state which is something that I have been asking questions myself for some time.

Taking care Langit alone for one and half years makes me think thousand times to have another baby. My days are surely not that hard since I still have time to watch korean drama daily, going exercise twice a week, and even working. But, it is also pretty far from easy.

If I remember how tense the days when I have exercise class or morning working time, it gives me a strong loud and clear voice to scream : this is crazy. Running here and there, doing this and that, just to make sure I haven’t left anything undone so I can leave peacefully. Since I have a lot to be taken care of, while the help is almost unavailable, the only thing I can do is being strict about schedule. It helps a lot so I still can breathe normally.

I can’t make it easier because I am someone who doesn’t let go easily. It means, I won’t use my exercise time as an excuse to cut some of Langit’s breakfast rituals or any of my religious rituals like sunnah prayer or qur’an tilawah. It’s nothing about showing off, but I always think if I want more good things on my hand, I have to use my brain to keep the old good things going.

I use that logic about the idea of having another baby. You don’t get rid the first one when you want to have another one, right? If I want  another one, I have to make sure the first one will be as well as before the second one comes. I can’t stand the thought of neglecting my first because I am busy with the second.

Spending time daily with Langit opens my eyes about how much things the baby needs to learn and mothering is surely one tough job. That is why I choose to be a part time teacher. Because I have signed up for a full time position as a mother, of one. I don’t feel I will be doing good to add more title to my jobs, for now.

Knowing that my sister is currently on the way to be a mother of two insya Allah, shaken me up, a little bit. Maybe this is the first time she goes through something earlier than I do. Feeling competitive? Maybe yes. She is younger yet she is courageous enough to face another new challenge.

One of my biggest fear is about the ticking clock. I am not getting any younger, and who knows for how much longer I can stay by my daughter side. Maybe I think too much, worry a lot, or plan too detailed until I let time just pass me by and left me without any progress. Then, without I realize, there comes the time when I will regret about thinking too much instead of executing, and I can’t go back. At all.

This thing will surely keep haunting me in the near future. But for now, I choose to play along with the questions until my heart says the decision. I don’t know when, but it’s pretty sure, the whole parts of my body and mind are surely not ready for another challenge in my life. More, I think we as a family, also are not ready for another new member. In every aspects. That’s a very strong and valid reason to say no.

Well, then let’s keep rolling until we hit the right time!


Pas special, J'ai seulement besoin de beaucoup de privee

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