Silence in Sunday morning while the baby is still sleeping, breakfast checked, and nothing else to be done, always make my mind wander along to the past. Sunday morning used to be filled with lots of good cartoons on TV and fought over choosing which to be watched with my siblings. Sometimes I won, sometimes they did. Thinking about how I hated it those times back then, it is really funny knowing I really miss those things now.
The thought of the (good) old days makes my mind jump into another thing. Sibling(s) for Langit. I have constant battle in my mind about this particular thing. Mostly, you have your first child by will. You ask and wait for it badly. But, for the next one(s), usually for some people, the will is not as strong as they have for the first one. Of course, there are exceptions where some people seem enjoying to repeat the cycles within short interval like Kate Middleton for instance. She’s currently expecting her third child after just giving birth her second this year. But then, she is Kate Middleton.
My mind is constantly changing about repeating all the cycles once again. There are times when I have firmly decided that one is more than enough for me, then the other times, the firm decision becomes as weak as jelly.
I don’t know whether we need to justify the right reason to go for second, third, and so on. Honestly, deep inside, I am not really okay with one. But, when I looked back everything that I have been through alone, it scares me, well, pretty much. I am questioning myself whether I can be keep sane while dealing with one sometimes drained out my low level patience.
People said the first third or five years will (may)be hard, but after that, it will gradually easier and you won’t regret all those years you have been through. Well, okay.. But, my concern is how to go through those first years safely and sanely. When others worry more about money, I don’t really think about that. Money is surely important thing to raise a child well, but for that thing, I have enough confidence and trust that if we are given the next one, it will also come with its adequate sustenance. I have no doubt about that.
I worry more about time. I am in my early 30’s and I don’t know for how many years I have to raise my kids until they can do well on their own. Not having my mother around while I am being a mother makes me realise time is very limited. I am lucky enough to have her around and took as much as lesson from her during her lifetime, until I really can do well even without her presence. For every prayer I spell during shaalat, time and health are all I ask for me so I can do the job well.
Reading the news all over the world recently makes me want more to go for another. The world has become so much scary these days. The thought of leaving the baby alone here breaks my heart. Well, let alone the world, let’s see the nearest circle. If one day those kids are having hard times, whether with us their parents, or with others which they won’t talk about with me or their father, they will have each other back.
I have a certain limit to decide whether I will or won’t for this thing and I have told le husband about this. But then, isn’t all plan will be back to the one who decides for all affairs in our life?
That’s why I keep asking, for whatever, whenever, and whoever that Allah decides to be present in my life, He will give the best of everything according to my need. Amin.
Hence, Bonne journée à vous!