If, this one were written few days ago, the title would be ‘The Shittiest Days in Four Years’. Then, it’s good to write this today so this blog will keep its proper language and stay polite.
The last one week have been the most stormy days in my four years of marriage. Something happened and it totally turned the table. Messy, broken, and seemed to be irrepairable. Maybe it wasn’t great deal for some people, but for me, it matters the world. Won’t go for any details here, of course.
What happens in a marriage, stay between those two who are married.
I rarely talk about things related to my relationship. For no reason. Even in the real conversation with friends, I don’t talk much about it.
For some people, this might sound a bit weird, but it happened to me. I have never been a big fan of any heart-to-heart relationship with anyone. One thing I am always bad is being in a relationship. That explains why I had no one to be called ex-boyfriend(s).
Dealing with others feeling is a heavy burden for me. The very first time someone asked me to be in a relationship with him during junior high school, then I knew, this one was surely not my thing.
I didn’t find being tangled with someone for unclear purpose was enjoyable. In my junior high school girl head and heart,I asked myself (and few of my friends),what was the purpose of having a boyfriend at this age?
To be happy? I was already.
To have some companions? I had enough.
To share your thoughts when you were happy and sad? Hm, I prefered a diary.
To experience dating? Hm, didn’t think it’s necessary and I was busy enough with my piano course and others.
My parents were surely againts this one too. At first, I thought I did it because my parents didn’t allow it. But, even until college, I still didn’t find any strong reasons for doing this, no matter how many times I received the offers and who had offered it.
Sounds like bragging a lot? I wasn’t and absolutely am not. It was uncomfortable. Totally.
I once think it might be because I hadn’t had the right person asked me yet. But, even after it happened, that wasn’t really the case. It was all on me. Relationship was just not my cup of tea.
We, le husband and I, had been through ten years of any kind of relationships form before we’re finally married. Long ten years of hardships and mostly it came from my side. I once wrote in one of the posts, we had been through every kind of relationship problems, except the religion difference. You name it, we had it.
I didn’t actually understand how I had survived those ten years. I even had one ultimate question that I had been constantly asked in my head and in my prayers,
“These hardships that we have been through, are these the signs that we are not good for each other or these what we should take for us to be together for good?”
It was confusing though. They said if something is good for you, then Allah will make it easier. But, on the other hand, nothing good comes easy. So?
But then, in the end, whatever we had been through, we always end up together. As if we had done each exams that have been assigned to us for our relationship and passed, then we’re allowed to proceed to the next level.
When I finally agreed to marry le husband, it took me two full years doing lots of thinking and being in very least contact with him. I could see that my heart thought no one other than him to be together in the future, but I didn’t think it was enough to make me take a huge step such a marriage.
For me, marriage takes and needs more of your head than your heart. I had seen enough examples what becomes of women when they used too much heart in their marriage.
I agreed and was brave enough to finally marry le husband by considering some qualities in him, his family, our similarities and differences, the way we view and value things, and so on.
I assured my heart, I would regret more if I didn’t not take this chance than being hurt because I took the chance.
During these four years, we surely have quarels, big and small fights, disagreements, and any kind of problems. We surely have our good times too. We enjoyed each other presence and absence, although sometimes it could feel a bit stuffy, especially for me. But, any problems that happened before could be solved within few days and we were okay.
Until this one ‘big’ storm hit us last week.
It turned my (our) world up and down. We had been quarelling, arguing, and fighting hard. We ‘talked’ so much until at some point I thought I couldn’t take this any longer. Lots of bad thoughts appeared inside my head, lots of bad words came from my mouth, I couldn’t think clearly for days and felt absolutely like living in the hell.
It took countless of bad and hard times until we’re able to manage to talk like two grown up adults. Talked about where we did wrong, what we should improve in the future, found any possible ways to survive for us alone,within ourselves, not only because of other things.
When I am finally able to write this here, I really hope we both learn our lessons. I hope this one was big enough for us to do some significant improvements to have better skills in our relationship.
I won’t pinpoint the faults to any of us (here). One might do a bigger fault than the other. But as I always believe, it takes two people to make a marriage works and it also takes two when it doesn’t work (either for a while or forever).
It makes me even more certain about what to tell to those who would go for a marriage.
Don’t sign up for one without enough preparations, careful considerations, tons of prayers, families’ approvals, and mapping the worst risks that could happen in the future. Eventhough you felt like you did all those above, it wouldn’t go any easier during hard times.
Once we’re in, try our best to close our eyes for any possible exit doors exist, no matter how hard it is. It was freaking hard.
We won’t last without the help from our one and only protector, Allah The Almighty. We would never be strong enough to through this without the strength given from The One who is holding every heart of every human being alive.
In more earthly and humanly words, maybe marriage is about managing our ownselves and expectation to deal with our spouse’s strength and weakness, rights and wrong, to stretch our heart bigger to let go what has happened then go on to make the wheels keep running well (enough).
Smoothly? You wish.
Guess, I have said these enough. Writing does help a lot.