Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Dreams and Twists

Always being a careful and overly thinking person in almost everything, no wonder the anxiety level is quite high. Too strict and unflexible might be good for some things but surely not everything. Not easy to let things go means giving the best and being all out to do a total fight for every important matters in life.

Experiencing the journey of executing three personal dreams,  reminiscing every single little things done until it really happened felt quite surreal. Surreal because it seemed so unexpected this lazy girl could do that far and that much for something she really wanted.

Each of dreams has their own story, fight, failure, and one that we always forget, the twist. The bigger dreams took the bigger twist.

Welcoming 2012 with such a big heart knowing there would be three big things accomplished that year, thinking how perfect it would be, ready to mark 2012 as the best years  of my life. Done with dream number one, followed by number two few months later, and not long after, tied the knot.

Tying a knot with someone was not part of  the dream list. Never actually. Getting married to someone is the limit time when I should be done with my personal things. 

Why? Every decision make after married won’t solely depend on myself, but also the other person, even more sometimes, more than one person. That’s why girls, I strongly advise, do and accomplish as many as possible, as much as you can, as far as you want, before deciding to settle down with someone. Life after married won’t ever be the same anymore.

Overwhelmed by excitements over these made me forget one old phrase : do your best and let God do the rest. Men plan, God decides. 
He gave me three big things one could have within a year, but with term and conditions. It felt like He said, ” I give you three, BUT, I also take three, “.

First, Master degree abroad, graduated with flying colors : checked.

Second, Hajj before married, literally before married like a month before : checked.

Third, Married to one that you want after those long hard years and drama : checked.

However,

No pain, no gain, isn’t it?

Let’s do the God’s math.

By having the first, He took one that I loved so much. One whose nice scent would always linger, the most loving, cleanest, upright, most compassionate, stick to her shalat, Grandmother left just few months before graduation. It wasn’t  the fact she passed away that broke the heart. It was a missing chance of saying my final goodbye to her. I was thousand miles away from her. Nothing worse than missing the last chance to say goodbte to your loved ones.

Then, having number two was very precious. Not many have a chance to do Hajj at a quite young age, with all of their heart. So, shall we take another one?

One who was the most helpful, never grumpy, a tall and handsome one, the best and kindest uncle left exactly two weeks after his mother. Too much mourning within two weeks.

Finally, having the number three means a new whole journey began. A life changing journey. Thus, the twist level should be as high as the gift. 

I have no words to explain about this one. One who should be standing right next to my father on the wedding day left exactly two weeks before the wedding date.

Thankfully, a very proper chance was given. Went Hajj together, just the two of us, took care her, bathing, cleaning all part of her body in the hospital, slept over there everyday for thirteen days, sit right next to her until her last breath, it was one of the greatest honours I have received in my life. Serving one that gave you the most on her last days.

Back to 2016, it seems four years are enough to make someone forgets. Right when the last dream started rolling to happen, busy here and there, doing lots of things, make the twist is forgotten. Thinking maybe this is finally and really the time for number three, it hit pretty hard when I realized, with an executed dreams, twist will always follow. It’s not given separately. 

Again, since it is about a personal dream, then personal relationship would be a perfect twist this time. Some tiny part was taken from the relationship. Tiny part which changed the game. Once again, it happened right two weeks before doing the most important part of the dreams.

If one asks whether all these twists make me regret of having those dreams, the answer is no.

Having those dreams take me to the best inner self-journey I have ever experienced. Knowing how far and how long I can go, how persistent and determined I can be.

While having those twists show me how strong this heart can be, how good I can endure, how hard to stand back on your own feet after losing some important parts of your body. Show me truth of the saying, ‘Life must go on’. 

So I do. With all the strength left to go on.

Not much, not completely okay, but it’s enough. 

Having enough is good enough for me.
 
In the end, the cycle of each of dreams is similar. Get myself few nice dreams, working hard on it, get slapped by the twist, fall, stand back, and go on.

Thank you for the lessons and surprises, universe.

Have a nice dream and hurtful twist!

Author:

Pas special, J'ai seulement besoin de beaucoup de privee

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