Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

Motherhood’s Choices

Life happens usually quiet for few weeks in 2017. Not that quiet actually. Been dealing with some exciting stuffs and hope everything goes well. Doing tons of reading about something you’re excited about is soothing and rewarding. There is always some new knowledge. 

The baby is doing fine. Getting chatty and smarter when it comes to get something that she wants through nagging, crying, and whining. Sometimes, it is hard to deal with.

I am not that kind of sweet,loving, and crafty mother type. I lose my patience often and regret it after (often too). It feels like the baby is having more patience than me. 

But then, the choice made to stay with my baby had been decided since long ago. I didn’t have any idea about being a (good) wife, but I am always in when it is about being a mother.

I decided long ago, I would be the main caregiver of my child(ren) once I signed up for parenthood. I have been never into career or office work. I knew I wanted to be a teacher since my elementary school days. Simply because I enjoyed those glorious six years of learning. I loved my teachers, my school, and felt so happy to be there. 

As I grew up older and had my first teaching job in my first semester of college, I was totally sold to teaching. It’s addictive and rewarding at the same time, more than just numbers or recognition.

Since I was also raised by a teacher, it gave more insights how this job doing to my mom’s parenting. It allowed her to be present for her children. Not the kind that always playing with the children or doing things together, but whenever we needed her, she was there.

She was a working mom as well. In our toddlerhood years, she took turn with my father. My father worked from morning till afternoon, went home then my mom left and worked until evening. She left two toddlers and a baby with my father. Left without no hassles. 

When we were left with our father, he didn’t need to do any messy things. My mom had done it all before she went for work. Basically, my father was only babysitting us and he could rest, as we had gone to bed as early as seven pm.

I worked full time few years ago and only survived for one and half years and switched to part time. It was one of the best decisions made. It felt so liberating. I could do more things I love other than teaching (working). I had more time for myself and turned out for my mother when she was sick.

I love money but I love free time more. It makes me happy when I am able to do my regular exercise in the morning, enjoying my breakfast religiously, not rushing here and there, not dealing with traffic jam every morning and afternoon, not being trapped in a building all day, having time to watch serials and korean dramas, and more, doing my prayers and religious things not in a tired condition. 

Having men and a baby to be taken care of is not an easy job. Can’t imagine how I could take care ones that matter for me the most while dealing with too much work outside.

When the baby came, I first had struggles to do those things while dealing with baby’s stuffs. But, as I highly needed those things to keep my sanity, so I put more efforts to have it. I reduced my working hours outside to gain some more peaceful time at home.

It’s a bless that I have been an early morning person thanks to my mother. I always woke up few hours before subuh to do stuff. Practicing piano at 3 am, learning for exams, and preparing breakfast. 

My mother had me and my sister took turn to prepare breakfast for the family since elementary school. It was up to us how we arranged it. Either one week straight or day by day. When piano exams months coming, I had to wake up even earlier so I could practice before breakfast. Breakfast is served before subuh in this house. I really want having what I had as a child once I am a mother.

Until now, it keeps going like that and the baby is surprisingly following the habit. She wakes up minutes before adzan, joins us for breakfast, having a tiny cup of tea or milk with fruit or bread, then sometimes she follows her dad to go to the mosque for subuh prayer, then joins me for Qur’an reading. Then, the real breakfast and the rest of the schedules are going as usual, more or less the same since she started eating. It’s funny remembering that I have been given almost all things that I want and what I have been picturing for a long time. 

Since the beginning of motherhood, I have been even given more. I didn’t trying hard to have vaginal birth since I had high d-dimer during pregnancy, I prepared more to have c-section, but it turned out I had vaginal one. I grew up with formula since birth,and I felt I had nothing against that so I prepared to do the same for my baby. Again, the more I read and know that there’s something better than that and worth to be fought for, I ended up breastfeed my baby up until now. Not yet succesful to wean.

For these two years, I couldn’t be more grateful to have the choice to stay with my baby. Choosing and having many things happened because of that choice are privileges that not everyone can afford. 

I stay at home most of the time while still able to have regular morning exercises class twice a week, go working for few hours three times a week, watch korean dramas daily, take care of my father and house stuff, not have to deal with traffic jam since my workplace is within walking distance and the other one is about 20-30 minutes driving. 

In the other side, I have a chance to witness how this little creature grows up day by day, from knowing nothing to lots of things, from being incapable of doing things until she masters some, being the one she turns to when she wakes up, feeding and taking care her with my own hands, and witnessing how some my habits (good and bad) followed by her precisely.

I absolutely earn much less money than pre-motherhood but alhamdulillah, it never feels less sufficient. It comes through any other ways beyond a human calculation. Putting money over things I consider more important turns out giving more than just larger amount in my bank account. I couldn’t count them enough. Really.

I choose to neglect my baby for a while and let her playing alone to write this, free of guilt. Even to the simplest choice, I believe there is no right or wrong in any motherhood choices we make. In the end, every mother is responsible for any choices that she makes in her life and the children’s. 

For the greatest responsibility that I consciously signed up and given perfectly, I choose one that I think the best way to bear the responsibility, which I consider most important. 

I hope to have the least regret in the future. Having too much absence, literally and unliterally, while I am still healthily present.
Then, time to go back to ‘work’ now.

Bonne journée!


Pas special, J'ai seulement besoin de beaucoup de privee

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