Posted in Thoughts

Undelivered Tuna Sandwich 

The last two days have been the hectic, tiring, yet ones that become a new member of my precious memories collection.

It started with an unusual call from my cousin to le husband on Friday evening. When we saw the call I knew right away that it would be something related to my grandma.

It was right. My cousin who is also a resident, told le husband the grandma was unconscious with a very low blood pressure and he decided to bring her to the hospital right away.

At hospital, everything that could and should be done, had been done. She kept being unconscious, no blood pressure was able to be detected, her heart was largened, and we knew she’s been fighting for the final.

Once she was admitted to the ICU, I insisted a lot that she shouldn’t be left alone. I was persistently asked everyone there to take turn recited tahlil or Qur’an in her ear. I was the one who was staying by her side longest.

I asked le husband to take Langit home and asked permision to stay at the hospital with my father. I surely wouldn’t know when would be her due, but I wanted to be there as long as I could. Said to him, I would be home by morning, but for the night, I wanted to be with her, just in case, it would be the last time.

In the ICU, I kept reciting La Illa ha Illallah and syahadat in her right ear. Despite there were lots of things attached to her body, wires were everywhere, it was pretty uncomfortable for sure to stand while leaning to the bed. It was understandable my dad and aunts couldn’t do it for long.

I kept staring at the monitor and witnessing how the numbers were gradually lower. We’ve been told it mostly the medecine worked. We asked the nurse to gradually reduce the medecine and said we would take all those things attached to her body by morning,whatever condition she had. 

We fully accepted her condition and wished nothing to be done to her. We just needed to be allowed to stay by her side. Thankfully, the nurses had been very helpful and kind. I even borrowed Qur’an from them. At midnight, seeing I kept standing for hours, one of them offered me a chair, finally. 

I took turn with my father and aunt around 1.30 am. Tried to sleep though the chair was surely uncomfortable. When I woke up, my aunt also slept so it’s been only my father inside. I went inside to ask him to rest. 

When I entered, the number on the screen was zero and my dad said it’s been a while. Her heart was still beating slowly. My dad went out and I replaced him. Kept reciting the tahlil word continously and read yassin once. 

I didn’t really know the precise time, but the zero on the screen, once suddenly changed and went up to 61 then dropped again. After that I just realized it this morning, it might be the time when she’s gone. Not long after that, my aunt came and joined me.

Just ten ninutes to five am, the doctor checked and pronounced her death. Though I had been staying by her side almost all night, tears couldn’t help bursting out hearing she’s gone. Knowing there woudn’t be any other chances to be with her.

I kept accompanying her throughout the process. In the deceased room, in the ambulance to my home, bathed her for the last time, wrapped her in kafan, sat beside her in the ambulance that sent her to cemetry, until the last piece of soil put to her graveyard.


It was Friday morning when I went to supermarket and found the rare burger bun available. Bought two packs with the thought of sending her the tuna sandwich she liked for Saturday’s breakfast. 

Sadly, it was undelivered and would never be delivered anymore. I hoped my presence that night, words and prays I recited the whole night could make up those undelivered tuna sandwich for her.

She had 82 years of life. Even the number amazed me. Eight successful children, fourteen grandchildren, and four great grandchildren, fifty year of marriage, and so many things that I even don’t know. For one to have such a long life must be a great blessing that is just not anyone could have. I wish she had a beautiful next life as she had in her previous.

Till we meet again, dear grandma. Have a good rest and happy reunion there.

Be sure that my pray will keep going for you.

A bientôt.


Pas special, J'ai seulement besoin de beaucoup de privee

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