Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

A(n) (Un)Confident Mother

I had been and might still have been the title with the letters in the bracket since the beginning of motherhood. Being a mother without very least help from the elders, without my own mother, pushed me to go beyond what I could think I was capable doing of.

After 2,5 years, I am slowly heading to the title without the letters in the bracket. Watching Langit grows healthily and happily makes the confidence level is slowly going up. For a pair of mother and daughter who rarely meets others like doing playdate,etc, I rarely have comparison with others. So, basically, Langit is going according to my standard. Not others.

In her 30 months, I just realized that she is doing slightly better than others for certain parts. When I was talking to my sis in law whose daughter only two weeks apart from Langit, she said that Langit has been quite advance in her language. I don’t reallu know what should be a normal 2,5 years toddler acquire, but this is Langit’s :

– Counting 1-20, plus in a reverse way.

– Recognizing almost all colors. She loves purple and pink.

– Recognizing alphabet letters from A-Z, even when we were not going in order.

– Singing a complete few songs with the right tune.

We traveled for homecoming and challenged ourselves to let her travel without any diapers and she did it. Three days traveling without any single diapers and no accidents. She has already done well at home. But, we hadn’t been brave enough to travel without diapers before. So, we tried this one and she did it!! I am very proud of you, baby girl. And of course, you too dear self.

The trip also shown the improvement of her social skill a lot. For an introvert whose strength is not through meeting people, this year homecoming gave another surprise about how much she has improved. She played here and there without me and her father, hugging and kissing her cousins comfortably, not goes same with adults though. But still, she was doing way much better. Her grandma was busy showing off her here and there by continously asking here things, numbers, colors, etc. 

I start wondering maybe the time for school is getting near.

————————————

I hate being an unconfident mother. Saying this because I was in that position once when Langit went to the baby class when she was 15-18 months. I felt what I had been doing all day and everyday were useless. 

Knowing she couldn’t adjust well to the classroom situations, while others’ child did, it gave me anxiety like piano exam. Watching other families enjoyed the activities instructed well, while I was busy chasing her and there. Not happy. I felt more like a nanny than a mommy.

That was why, right after I decided to stop going to the class, I told myself to stop comparing and looking at others. But still, keep in line. When she was really late, then we did something too.

There’s never been anything instant in my life. Guess it goes the same in raising Langit. When other mothers with similar child age still deal with No-Eating phase until this time, I am confidently say I don’t. I have been bragging too much about this before. The way Langit eats everything, not a session of Gerakan Tutup Mulut happened to me, etc. Exaggerating, perhaps?

I was not. 

But, I would emphasize about how I have been through a year full of feeding battle and hassle. Those scary days, three times a day was a nightmare. When feeding time came, don’t ask how heavy this heart was. But still, quit was, is, and will never be in my dictionary. I kept going EVERYDAY, dealing with all those feeding hassles three times a day. 

When others mom might have given up thinking there was no need to push, babies would ask for food later of they were hungry. I have fully understood that this kind of statement had more wrong than right.

Eating is a learning process and it takes quite amount of energy to do it for a baby. We teach a little human being whose knowledge about food and eating is zero. They have to learn to distinct the flavours, munch and swallow the food by using their jaws, and many more. Eating, like any other learnings, is tiring for the baby. That is why patience is needed in a big amount during feeding.

There were times I really wanted to give up, but then I knew, once I did it, the second time would be much easier. Then, I would end up giving up one of the most important things a child should get from her parents : the best nutrition in her golden years. Dealing with ‘makan diemut’ for hours seemed to be a better choice than losing.

When this phase was finally over, I couldn’t be happier. Yes, like happiness that won’t last forever, hassle and sadness are doing the same.

I was quite proud to see her among other children in my husband family during homecoming. She showed her manner well, saying thank you and sorry properly, cleaning her own mess, eat properly, rarely being cranky, and with those ‘look-smart’ counting in English, color naming, alphabet and things pointing, no wonder her grandma kept showing her abilities to almost everyone. Though, she’s not the type who enjoys a big full attention to herself, especially from adults. 

It feels good knowing that you have been doing a good job. The best part of choosing to stay with the baby, you can take credits for the good result shown. 

Don’t be too happy. It goes same thing when your baby shows something unpleasant, then you please take the credits too. What his or her parents doing will be the first that jumps into others’ mind when they see something unpleasant from the baby.

We all judge. No exceptions.

Sometimes, it feels hurt watching the baby slowly grow up right before my eyes. Yes, days are slowly. Years are the flying ones. Since I am living days with her, so it both feels slowly and quickly.

I feel like I will continue being both titles in the future years. The job isn’t going easier and smoother as she grows up. But then, as long as I can, I am heading and will be doing everything within my power, towards the title without the bracket letters.

Among those full of istighfar days in raising a child, there are also days when you feel so happy and grateful having motherhood (and parenthood) as one of the things given in your cards.

Eid Mubarak! Hope you have a blessed and joyful one!

Author:

Pas special, J'ai seulement besoin de beaucoup de privee

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