This September is tough inside although everything seems so fine outside. Waiting game is still on. Every waking day feels like facing unknown battle. One day it could bring so much hope and positivity while the other day it drained the energy until the last drop because of frustrating events that boggled the mind.
There were times when I could feel calm and felt so sure that everything would be okay but suddenly, the thought jumped to any possible worst things could happen. Sometimes I crave to be settled yet another time the thought of not moving scared me.
At times like this, I always run to reading and searching. Although it won’t solve nor give the answer of all those questions inside, at least it’s distracting enough. But then, the more I read, I end up with more questions. Not sure it’s silly or funny.
No matter how much I understand things almost always (never say never right?) turn out fine, at least way much better than I thought, it doesn’t prevent me from overthinking. No matter how much I have witnessed many things in my life where there were none so far, none, when I was being left alone, still I am scared.
Sometimes I think I am too afraid because life has been really good to me, to us, for the whole year back. No matter how much I understand there’s nothing lasts forever, things will change with or without my approval, yet, I still act the opposite way.
Maybe I just love making myself suffer for no reason.
If there’s anything that I want, maybe I want the ability to be not being and feel entitled to everything. What I have now belongs to the present. Things I might lose in the future, starting all over again from the scratch, failing again, and feel no burden about that. I just need to deal with what I have to deal at that moment.
In my head, it seems doable. I fully understand that life (sometimes) sucks, but that is okay.
I had been there. Many times.
There’s nothing to be scared of, theoretically.
But, somehow, it’s totally different story when you’re facing the reality.
Writing this on the bench near the little girl’s school. I am usually late, today, I am on the first row of the queue.
Doing something unusual is a sign of troubling mind and heart which desperates for an answer.