Posted in Thoughts

Looking Back

There were several times for the past few months when the head inside played a little bit of this and that in the past. Thinking how much our circumstances changed since the first time we started as I wrote few years ago.

Standing here, today and right now, was something that the mind thought would never be occured few years ago. Thought life would just keep going according to what was obvious and seen with the bare eyes.

The phrase standing here referred to many circumstances that I thought would keep going forever . Years ago, I thought we would keep staying at my childhood house, taking care many things as I did for years. Years ago, I thought we could just stay afloat, saving here and there, working hard daily, and keep going with mundane life.

I wrote as if I sounded so unhappy, but actually I was quite happy. Happy means I felt enough with everything at that time. I found comfort in that house in spite of the hardships and challenges. It was my home after all. My basic standard of happy is also quite low. It’s when everyone is healthy and we have no issue with paying the groceries. I got more than that, so there was nothing to be unhappy about in general.

Surely, there were times when I felt sick and so tired of taking care many people and things at that house, but I knew that there was nothing I could do to escape from that. So, I just had to put up with it and it was okay. I lived well enough during that period.

Then, without I realized, the season had been slowly changing. Slowly but sure, something started moving my chair. Our chairs.

Paris was a door opener. It was one of our big milestones. Resumed traveling after four years of total absence (literally nowhere), and suddenly granted such a big chance, was also an eye opener. Such thing was not impossible, for an average modest income family like us. After Paris, suddenly many things that I thought untouchable, suddenly became closer than we expected. Like London right after six months after Paris, then many other places we visited afterwards.

It was scarily exciting.

Money, which was once a very much main issue during the first few years, slowly but sure, became something that we could let go more easily. The financial goals that were once seemed so unaffordable, slowly but sure, they become realities. Things that I thought we might never achieve, they found their way to us.

The most surprising thing about this issue, I, whom I have always known, was so strict and tight about money, could change quite dramatically, for my dictionary. Not about going to the opposite side, (guess I would never be there unless I am bewitched by something), but to the point I could let go certain amount to help someone I care without being too concerned about that. Giving without expecting any returns or worry it might reduce my savings.

I never knew we could arrive at the certain point where we could give to parents or any relatives, whether when they’re in need or leisurely, is as easy as one tap and click away and watching certain numbers flew to others didn’t scare us at all. Funnily, it feels liberating.

The funnier thing that I realize regarding to money, the more we give, the more unexpected stream will find us. I have known that human’s calculator is so limited, but to experience The Ghaniy and The Mughni’s calculator has always been amazed me.

Time, when it was once so tight and packed, with so many little things and people to be taken care of, slowly, one by one, those things that tied my feet and hand, lifted. It was as if I was released from something. Sometimes, it still feels surreal after many years thinking that I would be tied to those things till I didn’t know when.

When Paris was a door opener, our London days was a game changer. When Paris was the time for a change in the way we deal with money, London days were the time when our old mindset was pushed the corner and slowly changed to the new one, in many important aspects of life. Be it about time, work, education, people, and many more.

For the first time after several years, I was able to see the important things that had been missing. Time to take care myself properly after years of putting everyone’s else first and a chance to see beyond the little girl’s disability.

London days gave me more time and space to do things that I love regularly and to try new things that I didn’t know would make me happy. London Days allowed me to be more present for the little girl and realized she had so many unlocked potentials but we were too focused about something that she lacked of instead. It happened probably due to our previous situations where there was so little space and time for sit back, relax, and see clearly.

Those days packed with schedules from Monday to Saturday, daily long driving here and there to school, therapist, and daycare. Those years spent as a geographically single parent, the high tension when it was working days, when my head felt like to explode and continous thought of resigning yet kept delaying because it was one thing that made me sane. Working days came with consequences to send the little girl to some place or to someone who would keep her for hours.

There were times where I often spent few minutes sitting in the car in silence in front of the house before I park it in the garage. Gave myself a chance to breathe for a while because there were no space to rest after I entered the house since right when I set my feet at home, a pile of task were waiting. Put down my bag on the stairs and went straight to take care things that should be done. Those days were too light to be described as crazy.

Those days when I felt like to move out from the childhood house due to taking care too much stuff and people and felt how underappreciated I had been. The exhaustion and the trapped feeling were too strong to be forgotten. There were days when I looked back and wondered, how could I survive those times when those things feel too insane to go through right now?

But then, writing this now with clear mind with adequate level of sanity, I could say that I’ve got few to no regrets at all. I think there is always a season for everything. Those time with so little space and time for sit back and relax were not wasted because I (and we were) was doing the homeworks given at that time. Those times were the training period that we need to pass to proceed.

If someone asked now whether I wanted to go back to our London days, then it would be the same answer if someone asked me if I would go back to the comfort of my childhood home. The same answer that John Lennon gave when someone asked him when The Beatles would get back together.

There’s nowhere I want to be because we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

I am not saying we have done with our homeworks because surely life would bring more, which they are here already. We’re currently keep doing what’s served on our plate with the resources we have. I am beyond grateful to be where we are right now. There’s no single thing that I would take them for granted. Not the time, the money, the health, nor any smallest blessings bestowed upon us.

This writing has been around for quite some time and currently triggered by current situations faced by one of the close family members. The situations where I had been there once and dealt for few years. If any advices should be given in one sentence, to keep staying sane, other than my favorite ‘nothing lasts forever’, then it would be :

These too shall pass.

But before that, hope they do those homeworks first.

PS : Just found out Shonda Rhimes’ Commencement Speech in Dartmouth 2014 graduation and it resonated so well with this post.

“I think a lot of people dream. And while they are busy dreaming, the really happy people, the really successful people, the really interesting, engaged, powerful people, are busy doing.” –

Full video here.

For this one, I agreed more with her than John Lennon. Be a doer. Not a dreamer.

Author:

Pas special, J'ai seulement besoin de beaucoup de privee

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