Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

How It Feels

In this post, I babbled about how words and lines in a book could be more comforting than a human. The right book found me at the right time. Other than books, some articles also did.

Stumbled upon a good one from Michael Batnick. Reading his writing about losing the mother felt like talking to a comforting friend. There are certain things, like huge grief, that only could be understood by ones who had experienced exactly the same thing.

Although it’s the same event of losing a mother, the degree of sad feeling could be entirely different. Losing your mother in certain period of life could left a huge hole inside, made you fall into dysfunctional period for days or weeks, cried over the smallest memories, thought how life could go on with her gone. While losing her in the other phase of life might only left certain bruise, received the news didn’t even shaken the eyes for a slight tears and it was just another ordinary sad event that happened in life.

It’s been almost 10 years since she left, yet, my tears are still running quickly in the slightest thought of her. Especially on Friday. I found Michael writing yesterday and every line of his work truly explained my feeling till I couldn’t help capturing every paragraph and want to keep it in a writing for myself. I felt like talking to a friend over a cake and coffee while reading it.

Exactly, Mike. Only I was 28 at that time. The most heartbreaking part is not that I didn’t have enough time with her. It’s her who didn’t have enough time with me. Witnessed many of important things in my life like ticking Paris from my dream list, to see her granddaughter growing. It’s painful and I considered this is one of my daughter great losses to not be able to meet and knowing her grandma in person.

How could you read my mind so well? Although it’s sad and devastating, there’s nothing I would change. I am a better person since she left. My vision becomes more clear after she left. And yes, if I looked back to ten years ago, I am myself right now is in a better place and better person, if it’s not a successful adult.

No explanation needed for this one.

Or maybe I could add with this one from my favorite happiness researcher book. Living the life you imagine, isn’t it enough definition of being successful?

Losing my mother gave me true insights not only about death but more of how to live your life. You’re so right when you said in your subconscious, you think about it all the time. It’s been almost 10 years since I clear Thursday evening from anything to be able make time with proper energy to send Yasin for her. It was her death that made me not to take things for granted, especially time spent with the one who matters the most. Let alone years, even tomorrows aren’t promised. And yes, for me after iman, health is the second thing that matters.

This last paragraph hit me the most. The fact that my daughter couldn’t meet her in person is painful enough. The only way I could make it up by paying forward everything she gave to me to my daughter, in double, triple, or more.

I believe she’s watching me. And I hope when we meet again later, I could face her and listened to her saying “I am so proud of you”. It’s the only external validation I need from someone.

Thank you for the cake and warm tea, Mike.

Unlike my mom, I don’t fancy coffee.


Pas special, J'ai seulement besoin de beaucoup de privee

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